Why is it so hard to ask for help?
Today, we're going to talk about a subject that many of us struggle with asking for help. And why is it so hard to ask for help? Do we know how to ask for help? Do we know when to ask for help?
And why do so many of us resist asking for help in the first place. At the time of writing this blog, I am two weeks in to a broken humerus. Right under the cap of the shoulder on my left arm. I had an accident on a treadmill that malfunctioned. Partly the treadmills fault, partly my fault. I had my feet on the treads. When I started the treadmill instead of on the side. I started it at a nice point five to warm up and the motor went at warp speed. I don't even think it's a speed on a treadmill. It tossed me like a rag doll. I am extremely, extremely thankful that I got away with contusions on both legs, and a broken arm could have been so much worse. I am so thankful. So thankful that I had just a broken arm and those contusions, the treadmill .got the death penalty. It will never hurt anyone else again. But here's the thing.
My left arm is in a stabilizing sling. I don't know what the technical term is, those of you in the medical profession, will know exactly what I'm talking about are those of you have ever had to wear one. It's kind of like a straight jacket that they call a sling. It goes around your body, it goes around your neck, and it swaddles your arm super close to you because you can't put a cast on it. So what they're trying to do is hold the arm steady enough for that bone to heal without needing surgery. I have one arm and I can't pick anything up with my left arm. I can't fold laundry. I can't do dishes. I can't shower by myself. I can't dress by myself, there is very little that I can do all by myself without asking for help. I can't do a manual can opener. I can't hold can and and turn the can opener. If you've ever had a broken bone you understand it's just that there’s pain involved.
In this case, this arm is tied next to me. It almost drives me crazy sometimes because I want to go and move my arm but I physically cannot it is tied to my body, pretty much. So here's the predicament. I have no choice but to ask for help. I have no choice but to ask for help for everything. For the first two weeks, I slept in a chair. For the first week, I needed help getting out in and out of the chair. For the first week, I needed help with absolutely everything. It was very painful. I couldn't move it I woke up with spasms in my arm. It was a time of being pretty much 100% dependent upon others to get my medication for me to I still can't cut pick up a piece of meat on a plate. Like I either eat it with a fork like a Neanderthal and pick it up and start eating, or I count on somebody else to cut it up for me by asking for help. So I put this out there to you and I asked you, how many of you have trouble asking for help and if so, why? And the majority of you admitted that you have trouble asking for help. Because you don't want to be seen as a failure. Because you don't want to be seen as weak and vulnerable. Because you don't want people to know what you're not capable of doing all by yourself? And I find that very enlightening and very troubling. Because I realized that in, in most situations, and many, many times, I am the same way. I don't want to ask for help, because I don't want people to think I'm weak, or that I can't do it. Well, here's the thing, if I tried to pick things up with my left arm, I might be able to, I might be able to get through the pain and do it anyway. But at what cost?
If I push the healing of this, if I try to do too much too soon, is it going to send it backwards, maybe even into surgery, maybe it won't heal right? No pain for the rest of my life? I have no choice. Why do I have a choice, everyone has a choice. But I have chosen to let this heal, I have chosen to follow the instructions I have gotten from the doctor, I have chosen to allow my body the time to heal an injury and not rush it. Because in the long run, asking for help on the things that I need help with now mean that the arm gets to heal correctly. And I get to get it back sooner. It's kind of slowing down to speed up. But that slowing down process I have, I have the need and the responsibility to ask for help. If I don't allow this bone to heal properly, if I don't give it the time it needs if I don't step back and be still the way I'm supposed to be the way that I've been told to be by the medical professionals, then I mess it up for a long time, maybe forever. I'm not willing to take that chance. So I'm willing to work through the difficulty of asking for help. Because here's the truth. Asking for help doesn't make you weak, stupid, or vulnerable. It means that there is something you still need to learn or something you need help with. Plain and simple.
Maybe in your past, you've asked for help and you have been ridiculed. And if so, I am really sorry. Really sorry. There are some people that you ask for help who, who almost treat you like you are just so stupid for asking for help, or you're a bother. So how do we ask for help when we need help? Does it make us vulnerable and weak? No, it's admitting that we don't know how to do something or we physically can't do it alone. I can't lift the sofa all by myself.
So its going to happen. Right now I can't do my hair by myself. I can barely pull a sweatshirt over my head and get my other arm in by myself. No, I’m okay asking for help. I am okay trying something and if I cannot do it, I will ask for help until I can do it by myself again. Because I've learned through two broken wrists then surgery on both of them. This is not my first rodeo only having one arm available. It is my first rodeo on breaking a bone that can't actually be put into a cast. That I really really need to keep it steady and still. But it's not my first rodeo only having one arm to work with because I'm in a cast up to my shoulder. And so I've learned the art of asking for help when to ask for help, who to ask for help and how to ask for help. There's an art to it just like everything else. So what do we do when we want to ask for help? Why is it important? Here's the thing when you don't ask for help you don't provide others with the opportunity to help you. You're living in this illusion of I can do anything all by myself. And that's not real life. When my babies were born, I asked my mom for help. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what I was doing. Most of the time I felt like I was just floundering. Trying my best to take care of this cute little tiny human that cried all the time. My mom was amazing help. She came for all four of my kids and helped me it was the best. I learned a lot about receiving help. And she loved doing it. My mom couldn't wait to help with her grandbabies. What if I had refused the help. Would that have stolen a gift from my mom? Asking for help gives you the opportunity to learn, and it gives you the chance to help others in the future. Think about how much you like to help others. Others like to help you the same. Don't steal that gift from them. So let's talk about some things around asking for help. Eight things. Eight little nuggets of truth around asking for help.
One this is how we ask for help start small.
If you're not used to asking for help start small, ask a friend for advice. Ask a salesperson what they think about something you might be wanting to buy. Ask people for recommendations if you want to join a gym or go away or go to a movie, start small.
Number two it is so good for the other person.
You love to help people they love to help you to people love it when you ask for their opinion. They love it when you ask for advice.
Number three, be open and honest and direct about it.
Be direct. The easiest way to ask for what you need is to ask for what you need. You won't know if you don't ask. If you need help doing something, ask. If you need help understanding something, ask. People love to help good people
Number four, what if you ask the wrong person?
What if someone's a real jerk to you be okay with it, be okay with rejection. We're all going to get rejected at least once in our lives. Be okay with that. And then go seek a new perspective.
Number five finding a new perspective
Look at this opportunity of asking for help as a way to get to know people better to get to know yourself better to get to learn something new.
Number six finding someone to mentor you.
We all need a mentor and when we are mentored we then get to pass that on and mentor others. That's amazing help.
Number seven, overcome that initial fear.
There's nothing wrong with asking for help. You might be afraid and you might feel guilty. You might feel weak. But none of that is the truth. Speak the truth to yourself that helping asking for help is a sign of maturity and strength. Because admitting that you have more to learn is really, really, really grown up have you overcome that initial fear.
Number eight, when it comes to the serious things, get help.
If you're thinking of leaving a partner, or you find yourself binge eating, or binge drinking, find help. If you go through a traumatic event you've lost a loved one. You've been in a serious accident, something happens. Maybe a job you have worked at for years fires you. If you go through a traumatic event, find help. In some cases asking for help can literally save a life. This stigma of asking for help being something that leaves us vulnerable and weak and open to criticism that's fear speaking. Take fear out of the driver’s seat put it in the passenger seat. You get in the driver's seat. Fear can come with you if it wants, but you go .You're still going. Ask for help. If someone shoots you down, take the rejection and ask somebody else. People who love to help people are out there.