It's Okay to Cry.

I feel like it's been a hot minute since we met together and talk together and had some time to learn from each other. It's been a crazy time in my life. The last episode that I recorded for our one year anniversary of coffee and tea with Carrie Vee. I was bringing my mother home from the hospital and she was coming home on hospice. But if I'm honest with you, I'm going to tell you that my plan was to pick her up from the hospital and help her get strong enough for the surgery to remove these two massive tumors in her colon. That was my plan. But that wasn't God's plan. His plan is one that I'm still still trying to understand. And I believe it's okay to question and I believe that it's okay to to some even even shake your fist that habit and say why I don't get this. That's where I am. I am sitting in my office recording this episode with a huge bottle of water next to me because the emotions wash over me when I least expect them. The tears come with a memory or a thought. So I brought my mother home. My husband and I picked her up from the hospital. And she was in the hospital for a week. We were not allowed to see her at all. And they told me she was medically stable, perfectly able to come home and that she was coming home on hospice but I could sign her out of hospice anytime. But when they wheeled her out and I saw the condition of my mother I began to realize that God's plan for her was probably very different than my plan. Where I thought she was going to have life saving surgery this summer and then we were going to we were going to help my mom get strong and then we promised her a trip to Arizona She'd never seen Arizona. And we promised her this trip to Arizona. That's what I thought our summer was going to be. But we brought my mom home, and she was very, very weak, she could barely stand. And she declined very quickly. And she came home on a Wednesday. And on Saturday night may 22

bout 11:18pm I held my mother's hand, singing Amazing grace to her. I had mother hand on her heart. And I sang to her as I felt her heartbeat stop under my hand. And I cried a lot.

And I have cried a lot since. And a few people have suggested to me that I might want to take something so that I don't cry so much. And I am not someone who is an advocate to say nobody needs antidepressants. I don't believe that. I believe they have their place. But in this case, and the same as when I lost my dad,

I need to feel the emotions. It is okay to cry. It is okay to feel all of those feelings. It's how healing happens. I am sad. I am very sad. My mother lived in our house for three years, we cared for her for three years.

She was my routine. When we would get up in the morning, we would have a little bit of time for ourselves. And then we would wait seven o'clock like clockwork, her shower would go on. And then we would know it was time to jump into action to get her medications out to get her breakfast ready to make sure everything was ready for her.

And we love doing it. And we have spent the last week wandering around the house in the morning, unsure of really what to do. I can get up in the morning and I can work out I can do all of those things. Because before seven o'clock, that was my routine, but come seven o'clock. My routine, our routine included my mother. And just too fast and too soon. We lost that. We lost her. laughter.

and her voice, her presence. And so I cry, we cry a lot. And it's okay to cry. It is okay to feel your emotions. It's okay to go through the process of grief. And this is something that we will talk about as time goes forward.

I am actually going to be putting together an entire program on this because I feel very often that others around us can be very uncomfortable with grief. And so they want us to move through the process very very quickly. And there is no correct or set timeframe for you to go through grief and grief comes in so many so many different forms. It can be from a loss of a job the loss of a pet the loss of a loved one, it can be something that you created that you wanted to sell and it didn't sell like you thought it would grief comes in so many different ways. And there's no set time, okay, you you're allowed to grieve for one day, one week, one month. There's no set time frame. I still cry over the loss of my brother and my dad and my grandmother.

Those things still bring tears to my eyes. My brother died 11 years ago, my dad seven years ago my grandmother died in 2003.

And I still miss them and I will still shed tears over memories something that something that happens that makes me realize how much I missed them. It's okay. Don't let anyone tell you how long or short you should grieve or how you should move through a grieving process. You get to move through it, the way you do you everything I touch of my mom's brings a new wave of tears. But they also bring some smiles when my mom was still a little bit with it when we brought her home, and I don't remember what day it was, I think it was Thursday. It all kind of meshes together in my brain right now. It was a very hard week. Hospice basically gave us a hospital bed, no shower chair and a commode and a bag of drugs and left me on my own. And I was so afraid of hurting her and afraid of not doing things right. Staying up at night with her while she wiggled out of her hospital bed twice. I didn't realize that was all part of the dying process. I know that now with research, I've done different movements that are from lack of oxygen, getting to the brain and which is all part of the body shutting down. And I'm learning a lot. There was a lot of sleep deprivation going on. So I don't know remember what day This was. But I was sitting on the sofa, and she was in the easy chair. And she opened her eyes and she just looked at me. And I looked up and I saw her and I smiled and she smiled back at me and I said mom, who am I? Do you know who I am? And she said, You're my beautiful daughter, Carrie.

And I said whom I married to mom and she said handsome gape. And then I grinned at her. And I said who's Joe Zell.

And she said, Joe Zell is my beautiful, beautiful, darling dog. And I said, Mom, why does Joe Zell get an extra beautiful plus a darling. And she laughed and we laugh together. There were moments before she went into a total coma, where I would tell her I loved her and she would whisper back I love you to those memories, bring smiles and tears. Moments I'm so glad I had with her. Every piece of clothing that I touch, I cry. And it's okay to cry. Many times when we're growing up, we hear this phrase and my mom said this to me. And I'm sure that I said it to my kids. Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about. Many times have you heard that? I'm sure my mom heard it from her mom and going back who knows how many generations that was heard.

Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about. We need to stop saying that. We need to stop saying that. Instead, let's validate each other's feelings. If you're with a friend and they need to cry, let them cry. If they want to laugh, let them laugh. Let's validate each other's feelings and hold each other up in our feelings. For two weeks, I pretty much didn't touch work at all. And I don't regret that decision. I took time to be with my mother. And then I took time to be with my husband as we grieved. And as we will continue to grieve. Have I cleaned out the closet and the doors yet? No, I barely touched anything. I will do that in my time. And I am validating my own feelings. And the feelings of the of those around me. Whether it's laughter or tears or something in between, let's allow each other to feel our feelings. In fact, let's encourage each other to feel our feelings. We don't have to be tough and we don't have to be strong by quote unquote holding it all in. Sometimes all the time. It's okay to feel our feelings and allow people to hold us allow people to grieve with us allow people to laugh with us allow people to be there for us as we are there for them. It's okay to cry. And I'm really glad it is because I've cried a lot. And I'm sure I will cry more. I miss my mom This wasn't my plan for the summer. I also know this Some of the last words she said to me as I was leaving on a trip before she went into the hospital was you have your dad's blood and you you need to travel. And I'm so proud of you. Don't ever stop doing what you're doing on a use your voice. I'd never really had a send off like that before. And I know now that my mom knew. My mom knew that she was much sicker than anybody realized. And she validated me. And that memory yes brings tears. But it also brings determination. She gave me a challenge, just like my brother did. And just like my dad did. So as I am feeling my feelings and working through this grief, I'm going to encourage you to feel your feelings. All of them. Stop trying to be so dang tough. Tears are not a sign of weakness. They're a sign of emotion as much as laughter is. So feel all your feelings. You are worth it. You are worthy of feeling every feeling you have. I love you. I am so thankful you're on this journey with me. Coffee and Tea with Carrie Vee continuous in honor of my mom. And because this is what I have been called to do. I love you I am your biggest fan. And your writing prompt your journal prompt for this episode is simply this today, I feel fill in the blank today. I feel fill in that blank. And then after that, right, my feelings my feelings matter. I can't wait to talk with you again.